I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
