Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
