I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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