how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
