Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
