He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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