I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
