Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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