My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
