i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize