I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
