3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
