you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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