And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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