the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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