Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
