I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
