I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
