Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
