How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
