The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
In America we eat man semen.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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