I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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