You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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