So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
