Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
