If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
