I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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