i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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