I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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