When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
