Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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