i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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