When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
