i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
