I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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