Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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