Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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