In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
