just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
