HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
