cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
