I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
