Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
did i walk over a car last night?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
