just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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