Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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