You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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