I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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