I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
