Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
