I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
