ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
