On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
