2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
