Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
