I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
