I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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