if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
