I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize