Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
