meet me or not, i'm out of control
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize