Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize